2009 Christmas present review

Here at the Southend Afternoon Echo Sportsdesk we're nothing if not topical, so here's our run-down of last year's hottest Christmas stocking fillers:


***************************************************

The Southend United Sat-Nav system

Tired of heading down blind allies like Damien Scannell? Looking as lost and out of place as Johnny Herd? Is your positioning all over the place like Simon Francis?

Then you need the celebratory endorsed Southend United Sat-Nav system with instructions barked out by Southend United Assistant Manager Paul Brush!

Says Southend United manager Steve Tilson about the Southend United Sat-Nav system: "like"!

RRP: £3,000
Our price: £2,999

Features include:

* The Alan McCormack pub finder
* The Ron Martin blog mode, for when you need a period of silence

Don't know where you want to go: simply choose the Francis Laurent random function!

Going abroad? Then simply upgrade to the Southend United Sat-Nav DELUXE model featuring Franck Moussa which will provide directions in French, Belgian Waffle and English.


***************************************************

The Dougie Freedman Mobility Scooter

Tired of having trouble reaching that Alan McCormack misplaced pass?

Then you need the Dougie Freedman Mobility Scooter. This obsolete museum piece is guaranteed* to leave defenders in their wake. The Dougie Freedman Mobility Scooter comes with three speeds as standard: slow, slower and dummy it.

RRP: around £3,000 a week
Our price: FREE! (buyer must collect)

Says Southend United manager Steve Tilson: "like" and "I use it as much as I can."

Batteries not included.
Colours: Tommy Black or John White.


*Warning: Does not work in cold weather


***************************************************

Southend United Novelty Calendar

Tired of not getting round to stuff and posting Christmas related pieces up in early January?

Then you need a Southend United themed squad calendar, featuring the entire squad and a different player for each month!

The perfect gift for any Southend United fan who wants to keep themselves organised from January (Adam Barrett) all the way through to October (Steve Parmenter)!

Featuring Ian Joyce as Mr February!!!

The perfect way for any fan to countdown the number of days left in the transfer window before Mr September (Lee Barnard) completes his move elsewhere!

Comes complete with tax return dates helpfully marked on to avoid those unnecessary train journeys up to the High Court.

RRP: £4.99
Our price: £7.99

***************************************************

Sanfoka-Sudoku

Entertain the entire family with this new craze that is sweeping the country!

Simply try to figure out where Osei Sankofa fits into Steve Tilson's defence. The rules are straight forward as contestants simply have to perm the available defenders into a back four remembering that you can't play the same back four more than once! It's a lot harder than it looks, particularly when you've only got three fit defenders!!!

RRP: £200,000
Our price: free or on loan!!!

Comes complete with superfluous exclamation marks!!!


***************************************************
All gifts are available from the Southend United gift shop on a buy now pay three years later basis. Ask inside for details.

Prices are either inclusive or exclusive of VAT, or at least would be if we if we paid any.
***************************************************

Fears intensify over missing man

Police were said to be getting increasingly worried about the safety of missing man James Walker.

The former Charlton man has been on the missing list now for nearly a year since his glorious late equaliser against Orient. Despite reporting sightings in Hereford around September and October - and more recently around the Southend area - there have been no confirmed sightings of the talented front man.

In September we reported on how police were linking his disappearance to that of Essex business man Geoff King.

Suspicions intensified recently when Damien Scannell was used as substitute up front and out of position ahead of Walker against the McDons Franchise and then at Tranmere when the ineffective 86 year old Dougie Freedman was again preferred to start.

However recent developments have led police to conclude that Walker's personal safety is now in serious jeopardy.

Suspicions were first aroused at Yeovil when Ian Joyce was dropped from the bench to make way for loanee Sean Morrison. Subsequent hamstring injuries to untrusted left-back Johnny Herd and "enigmatic" Frenchman Francis Laurent that paved way for the loan signings of Scott Malone and Jabo Ibhere only served to strengthen concern for the well-being of fringe squad members.

Already young midfielder Stuart O'Keefe is under 24 hour police protection and police are now said to be "desperate" to find Walker to ensure his own safety.

Should you know the whereabouts of Walker, Geoff King or the infamous Warchest you are urged to contact crimestoppers immediately.