Laurent and Christophe to turn on Hockley Xmas lights

Hockley's Christmas lights are set to be turned on with a bit of Gallic Flair this Christmas, with the news that Jean-Francois Christophe and hobbling compatriot Francis Laurent will perform the honours.

Christophe is something of a surprise selection as he hasn't exactly demonstrated a light touch so far this season.

Alan McCormack had been considered for the role, but club officials were keen to prevent him acquiring another unnecessary booking although they stressed it had nothing to do with unproven allegations about him being "lights out" in training.

Fans group together to buy Tilson new cat

Southend fans bemused by the continual omission of attacking midfielder Lee Sawyer have grouped together to buy Southend manager Steve "Tilly" Tilson a new cat.

The cat is to replace the one Lee "Asbo" Sawyer presumably ran over on his grifter.

The kitten is to be called Macca so Tilly won't drop it.

McCormack "worth less than a kid who struggles for a game in our depleted reserves"

Michael Ng-who?, a sixteen year old nobody had ever heard of, has joined Liverpool for a reported fee of £250,000.

The deal is £50,000 more than was recently offered for first name on the team sheet Alan McCormack.