Wembley Pitch Latest

As the football season draws (or in Southend's case presumably just loses) to an end, the hot topic of conversation on everyone's lips is about the state of the Wembley pitch.

The pitch came under severe criticism during last month's FA Cup final.

Managers and pundits were united in their condemnation of the playing surface. "Some teams play all season on pitches resembling beaches, and then come cup final teams are expected to play on a surface where there is grass and where centre-halves won't fall over to gift them incredibly soft goals" said one player, who was only willing to be identified as Adam from Southend. "Fortunately Colchester aren't ever likely to get to a cup final - I mean a proper one, where they'd maybe have to beat their local rivals in the semi-finals, not some crappy non-league one like the FA Vase - but the point still stands, or at least it would try and stand before slipping over and gifting the opposition an undeserved goal."

Wembley bosses were meanwhile trying to reassure spectators and media alike that everything is being done to improve the quality of the pitch.

"We tried to get a massive, stinking pile of manure on the pitch on Sunday" a Wembley official confirmed, "but Rotherham wouldn't co-operate. Apparently they'd have brought him on as sub, but they needed to score and he wasn't going to be much help at that. It's a shame, because he was genuinely the biggest load of s**t I've ever seen."